Lots of little monsters in my head at the moment. The doubt and fear monsters, the “am I doing the right thing?” monsters, the “what am I doing with my life?” monsters and all the other noisy little beasties that plague my brain. To be honest, I am feeling completely lost and anxious and unsure about everything. I don’t know what the heck I am doing or what I SHOULD be doing or if anything I am doing is right or a waste of time. I feel like I am not being a good friend or daughter or sister or employee or ANYTHING right now.
The drama with the house purchase continues and is threatening to drive me completely crackers. It’s been such a long, drawn-out process, with no one on either side seeming in the least bit competent or able to do their job efficiently. I am trying to keep it together – the last few weeks I have done exactly the opposite and have had several meltdowns and hissy fits – and am attempting to be assertive and in control of the situation. My natural tendency is to run around, trying to fix everything and do everyone’s job for them. But not this time – I have to do what is required of me and no more.
So, with house dramas and a sick Mum (my fault – I gave her my lurgy; I’m a terrible daughter), work stress and a general feeling of just wanting to stay in bed forever, the little monsters are running amok. I haven’t been doing any crafting at all (just can’t settle my brain to it, plus I am packing and culling) and that isn’t good for me either. So I did some doodling. The idea of the monsters was on my mind, so that’s what I drew.
If only all worries and scary thoughts could be put on to paper and made less frightening… I think I could take on this little guy and win.
Hope your day is free from monsters x
This is a tricky one. I have the world’s worst self-esteem so I don’t know that I ever feel proud of myself. Which I should probably work on, I know. I like to think my proudest moment is yet to come – that something really great is just around the corner, and that I’m not “done” yet.
Today I am proud of myself for signing mortgage papers. Proud, and terrified. I’m proud of myself for taking this giant leap into adulthood (albeit a few decades late) and I am proud that I didn’t back out or delay it for another few years. I am proud (and somewhat surprised) that I am even in the position to be buying a house. Me! Little, timid, non-ambitious Me! I am buying a house! It’s kinda crazy and hard to believe, because I really didn’t think it was something I would ever be brave enough to do.
There is lots of fear – will I be able to afford it, long term? What happens if I lose my job? What if I have made a terrible mistake? All those things go through my mind a million times a day. Which I am sure is normal. It might be the one time in my life I am having normal thoughts! But I can’t live in fear forever – I have to put my big girl pants on and be a grown-up and stop hiding behind my worries.
There is still settlement to get through and that will be a long and drawn-out process, if the rest of the experience is anything to go by. But I have to just trust it will be ok and get sorted eventually. I will be proud of myself for staying calm, if I can do that, and holding my ground if negotiations go awry. I hope it is settled on time though, and without further complications, because I am not brave and I am not very good at handling anything outside of my usual realm of daily drama. I have very little reserves, to be honest. Something else I should work on. Add it to the list.
So, today I am allowing a little pride to creep in. It’s an uneasy pride, but it’s there nevertheless. Just because I have come a long way and am doing this on my own and making big decisions and securing my future, as best as I can, in my own way. If I can keep meltdowns and conniption-fests to a minimum, that will really be something to be proud of. But we still have moving day to get through yet, so let’s not get too optimistic 🙂
Have a happy day everyone and be proud of yourselves x
Just a short post today… A bit of a stressful weekend just gone, with my elderly Aunt in intensive care at the hospital due to cardiac issues, my friend experiencing relationship dramas, another friend in serious ill-health in another hospital, and life just chucking stuff at everyone left, right and centre. I just want everybody to be ok 😦
But I did fit in an hour or so of crafting. I was determined. Even one card is better than achieving nothing at all. So I sat and made this one little card, which isn’t fabulous, but it is finished. And it has a bird, which makes everything better.
I do so want to believe in love and miracles. Especially at the moment.