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When I Have My House

House-buying is hard.  It is scary.  You have to deal with sharks and idiots and your own self doubt and timidity.  You have to worry about money.  You have to worry about making bad decisions.  You have to fight your fear of being locked in and stuck in a situation you fear you can never get out of.  You have to fight the urge to crawl into bed for a hundred years and not come out until the world is less scary again.

But, on the plus side (and I am really trying to find plus sides in my life right now), you get to have a home.  Your own home.  It will be a struggle and new worries will pop up now that you are responsible for everything that goes on within those four walls.  If stuff needs fixing, you have to get it fixed – you can’t just call the property manager and get them to sort it out.  But, by the same token, you can get whoever you want to fix it and WHEN you want them to fix it.  You don’t have to wait three weeks to have a leaky tap sorted.  Granted, you could also be a grown-up and learn how to fix a leaky tap yourself but let’s deal with one thing at a time here!  Baby steps, people, baby steps!

So, this morning, feeling a little overwhelmed and stressed, and sad about having to leave my little rented house and the lovely suburb that has been my haven and my security for the last three years, I started trying to think of all the things that I should see as positives.  And there are lots of them, if I just take the time to really look (and not be such a party-pooping, down-in-the mouth pessimist).

  1. I will have my own home.  I never thought I would accomplish this.  Fifteen years ago, I had about $1000 to my name.  Now I am buying a house.  I have worked hard for this.  I have saved and scrimped and been a total tightwad so that one day I might be able to buy myself a little house that is all mine.  I’m allowing myself a little bit of pride about that.  It’s a big deal.
  2. Having your own place means you can paint walls bright purple if you want to.  I don’t want to, but I can if I want to.  And nobody can stop me.
  3. No more rent inspections.  Hallelujah!
  4. I can get pets!  I get to be crazy old cat lady after all 🙂 Finally!
  5. I can knock as many holes in the walls for picture-hanging as I like.
  6. I can knock out walls altogether if I like.  Although I should probably get a professional to do that.  Not just start swinging a sledgehammer about because I’m bored and there’s nothing on TV or I’ve watched too many episodes of Masters of Flip.
  7. I can have a beautiful garden.  Or let it all die and just have weeds if I like.  It’s my house AND my garden.  I can do what I want.
  8. Nobody can tell me I have to move out.  Except maybe the bank, if I forget to pay my mortgage.  Or my hoarding becomes a real issue and the council condemns my place and tells me I have 30 days to exit.  Don’t laugh – it could happen.
  9. I don’t have to worry about spilling stuff on the carpet, or marking the walls, or breaking stuff.  I don’t plan on doing those things, but if they DO happen, no one is going to get cranky except me.
  10. Because it’s a two-storey, my craft room will be upstairs.  So all my mess and junk and chaos can be contained on one floor.  The ground floor will be neat and tidy and look like a grown-up lives there.  This is my plan.  I’m not very good at following plans, so we shall see how this one pans out.
  11. Financial security.  Nothing is certain in these un-certain times, but equity is something to hold on to.  And I don’t want to be still renting when I am 80, because rents will be like a bazillion dollars higher than they are now and I will be a crazy old cat lady pensioner.  As it is, I will be paying a mortgage until I’m in my 70s.  Which is a little scary.  But I am trying not to think about that right now.  It makes me hyperventilate and feel a bit sick.
  12. I will have an actual spare bedroom.  Not just a couch.  My Mum can come and sleep in an actual bed when she stays.  I can have my nephews and nieces over to stay.  Friends can drop in and stay the night.  I can be a proper hostess.  I can also just hoard more stuff in the spare bedroom.  Let’s not kid ourselves – you know there’s a very real possibility of it happening.
  13. While I’ve been fretting over the thought of being locked in to a mortgage, I should have been calmed by the thought of never having to move again if I choose to stay there long-term.  I hate moving.  It’s the pits.  I’ve moved four times in the last 9 years and also moved three libraries – I’m so over it.  After this month, I never want to see another packing box ever again.  Or at least for a good long while.
  14. I can start decorating properly and figure out what my style is.  I can experiment with colour and designs and really make this home my own.
  15. I can discover a new neighbourhood.  While I am going to miss South Perth dreadfully, I am going to get to know a new neighbourhood and maybe find some awesome spots to walk and eat and catch up with friends.  Maybe there’s some nice parks.  Maybe they have cool shops.  Maybe I will have really great neighbours. I don’t know the area well at all, so I am going to try and be brave and get out there and see what’s what.  And I have a car – I can always drive to South Perth if I am having withdrawal symptoms.
  16. The house will be all mine.  Did I say that already?

So, there’s lots of positives.  I know I am lucky to even be able to purchase a house at all and I am trying to remember that.  Because not everyone is so blessed.  I’m lucky to have always had a roof over my head, whether it be a rented one or my own.  Coincidentally, the roof in the new place has some issues, and I will have to sort them out otherwise I might NOT have a roof over my head but, I can do that.  Because it’s my house and my responsibility.  Roof and all.  See you in 30 years 🙂

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Little Monsters

Lots of little monsters in my head at the moment.  The doubt and fear monsters, the “am I doing the right thing?” monsters, the “what am I doing with my life?” monsters and all the other noisy little beasties that plague my brain. To be honest, I am feeling completely lost and anxious and unsure about everything. I don’t know what the heck I am doing or what I SHOULD be doing or if anything I am doing is right or a waste of time.  I feel like I am not being a good friend or daughter or sister or employee or ANYTHING right now.

The drama with the house purchase continues and is threatening to drive me completely crackers.  It’s been such a long, drawn-out process, with no one on either side seeming in the least bit competent or able to do their job efficiently.  I am trying to keep it together – the last few weeks I have done exactly the opposite and have had several meltdowns and hissy fits – and am attempting to be assertive and in control of the situation.  My natural tendency is to run around, trying to fix everything and do everyone’s job for them.  But not this time – I have to do what is required of me and no more.

So, with house dramas and a sick Mum (my fault – I gave her my lurgy; I’m a terrible daughter), work stress and a general feeling of just wanting to stay in bed forever, the little monsters are running amok.  I haven’t been doing any crafting at all (just can’t settle my brain to it, plus I am packing and culling) and that isn’t good for me either.  So I did some doodling.  The idea of the monsters was on my mind, so that’s what I drew.

If only all worries and scary thoughts could be put on to paper and made less frightening…  I think I could take on this little guy and win.

Hope your day is free from monsters x

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Glad and Worthy Heart & First Homes

I made this card on a cold and blustery day one weekend when I was feeling anti-social and needing some quiet time away from the world.  Which is not uncommon for me, let’s face it.  I could probably do with a regularly-scheduled “quiet day” – wonder if I could work that into my job description at work…

I would like to say I have a glad and worthy heart myself but, at the moment, it’s more of a grateful but very weary and stressed heart.  I’m in the process of buying a house.  It’s a long process.  A long and anxiety-provoking process and I don’t know what I am doing.  Everything seems ridiculously difficult and complicated.  I cannot make decisions at the best of times and so, for something as monumental as buying your first home, I am going completely mental and am stressed to the max.  I’m also very grateful to be in the position to even CONSIDER buying a house.  Not everyone is so lucky.  But I have worked very hard all my adult life and have saved my money and lived within my means and not wracked up any debt or credit card issues.  I didn’t think I would ever be ready to buy a house – didn’t think I would ever be able to afford it on my own or be emotionally ready for the responsibility.  But when are you ever ready for such things?  And that’s what I keep saying to myself – If you wait until you are ready and feeling secure, you will never do it.  

The economy at the moment is pretty dreadful.  Australia has one of the stronger economies in the world but still, it’s in trouble the way the rest of the world is.  My job is not particularly “safe”, although perhaps safer than some other people’s in the organisation.  But if I wait for a “safe” time, I probably won’t be able to afford to buy and, anyway, who knows when that time will be?  Five years from now?  Ten?  I’m in my forties – time is running out for me to get and pay for a mortgage.

So, into the property market I go.  Tentatively and with much fear and trepidation.  I don’t know if I will even end up with the house.  There’s some issues with it that need addressing before I sign off completely, and so the settlement agent is dealing with that. I don’t want to buy a lemon, and I don’t trust the seller’s agent one bit.  He is well dodgy. But it’s altogether scary and I am so anxious.  I keep having little panic attacks where you can’t breathe and you feel really sick.  The kind that make you want to climb under a rock and stay there until it’s all over.

But, if it all works out, I will have a house of my own.  I can have cats (hooray!) and make a lovely garden and decorate how I like and not have to worry about rent inspections.  I will have some financial security for the future and a teeny bit of pride that I actually did this on my own, without help.  I can say “my house” and it will be true.

So, hopefully soon, I will have a glad and relieved heart.  Not sure about the “worthy” part, but hopefully the Universe sees me as somewhat deserving and cuts me some slack!  I need all the help I can get right now, just to stay sane.  Why do people like buying and selling houses???  It’s so tricky and frustrating and HARD!

I hope that wherever you are in life you are settled and happy, secure and at peace with the choices you are making.  And if you know a way to be like that ALL THE TIME, please let me in on the secret!

🙂

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